fear-lump

“This is hard,” she said, “I don’t trust you, anymore”

And I had to sit with that. That liquid fear-lump of shame that melted down the back of my throat. I chose to be brave instead. 

“Ok,” I whispered back through the darkness. 

I watched the mound work its way into the pit of my stomach where it coaxed me to let it lie. But I wouldn’t. I was stronger than that now. I had learned better.
I called it back up to the tip of my tongue in a bold inhale and held it there just for a moment. 

And with my words, I pushed it out. Pushed it out of me. Let the trail marks from its movement be lessons imprinted on my insides. Let its cramped tightening be muscle-memory for my growth. But I would.not.hold.it.in.me. 

I didn’t do those things anymore. And so I said.

“I hope someday you will be able to again.”

-b

July 15th, 2020